The relationship mistake I made.

I’ve never told anyone about this.

And I think I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to deal with it. I also didn’t want to have to explain to everyone what had happened and answer the questions I knew would come. But the more I kept it inside, the more I felt the need to scream out loud. The more I held it in, the sadder I became — angry about my disappointments, in pain, feeling anguish, and struggling with battered self-esteem and anger I couldn’t seem to let go of.

The more I kept it inside, the less peace I had. One day, when I was asked what happened, the dam opened. If it had been left to me, I would’ve never said all I said that day; I would’ve still kept it all inside because I am an extremely private person. But it was that day that I realized if I never talked about it, I would probably never completely move on. So I talked and talked and cried my eyes out.

I realized that it’s hardest to recover from heartbreaking situations if you keep them locked up and ignore them. Yes, ignoring them is easy in the beginning, but it becomes the hardest thing in the end because then you never really heal. It gets even more difficult when you enter another relationship because you’ll start to project the same fears and insecurities onto the new person.

Now, I know you all like relationship stories, but let’s circle back, shall we? Let’s talk about heartbreaks at work — still relationships if you ask me. I think this is something we often ignore, and I figure it’s because we don’t even see it as that. But the truth is, you can carry your insecurities from one workplace to another without even realizing it.

Recently, I had to work from my office on a Monday, and during one of the casual chats I was having with a colleague, I realized just how different I felt. I was more at home, more myself, and I started to wonder why it seemed so different from the other organizations I had worked in. The other organizations were great in their own ways, but I realized how free I was to speak here, to express myself, and to relax after getting through the first few months. Then I realized that the other places wanted me to do the same thing as well, but I never really did because I hadn’t properly healed.

I think my heartbreak stemmed from my first job before I went to school. I was a customer service representative. It was a fun and interesting place until I noticed how my colleagues acted weird around me because I was much younger than they were. They would abruptly end conversations when I walked in and speak to me condescendingly. They probably didn’t even know they were doing it, but I realized that when things went wrong, I was the first suspect because I was the youngest in the team — of course, I was the one who would likely make the most mistakes. Gosh!

Somehow, that followed me. I seemed to be caught up in it because most of the places where I worked afterward had older colleagues, and it felt like a “shut up” situation even when I hadn’t spoken. No matter how hard I tried to hide it, thinking about it now, I realize how much it affected me. I found it hard to demand what I needed and just made do with what I had.

I ignored my ideas and tried to reuse their own ideas because what if they debunked mine? I guess I decided that “once bitten, twice shy,” so I didn’t want to risk heartbreak again. But guess what? I was still heartbroken. It was because I wasn’t bringing forth my best since I didn’t want to be laughed at or shut down.

Before you end the year, I’d like to remind you of a few things, just in case, so that you can end the year differently:

1. You’re Unique: There’s no one like you, and that means you can have the most unique ideas and execution processes. Don’t hide them because you’re afraid. Even in the toughest organizations and situations, always air your opinion.
2. Heal: The truth is, the people who have hurt you will move on, their businesses will bloom, and they will get promoted. But you won’t if you don’t heal and come out of the shell that you were pushed into. One thing about heartbreaks is that if you allow yourself, you will be challenged to do better and become a better version of yourself.
3. Talk to People About Stuff: It doesn’t have to be immediately, but the minute you feel comfortable speaking about it, please do. Sometimes, when we talk about things, it’s easier to deal with, and you might even find a solution in the conversation.
4. Be Confident: Don’t let people walk all over you. I didn’t know this then, but regardless of how much older my colleagues were, I would never have been ignored and shoved aside if I had been more confident and stood by my ideas. My insecurities birthed uncertainty and made me seem incapable.
5. Never Say, “Nobody Sees Me”: Be great at what you do. I read something recently about social media reach: Someone said, “Just because they don’t like it doesn’t mean they don’t see it. Some people may just like to observe from afar, or maybe they’re just in awe of your awesomeness.”

I see you, superstar. You’re amazing. If you’re going to be a better version of yourself, you need to start now, but you must heal first.